Where the 'Five Stages' Idea Came From
Most Americans have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced this framework in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, drawing on her conversations with terminally ill hospital patients — people facing their own deaths, not necessarily those mourning a loved one.
The model was groundbreaking for its time. It gave clinicians and families a language to talk about dying and loss at a moment when those conversations were largely taboo. But it was descriptive — a pattern Kübler-Ross observed — not a prescription for how grief should proceed. Over subsequent decades, the framework was broadly adopted by popular culture and, in many cases, misread as a fixed, linear sequence that every bereaved person moves through in order.
Kübler-Ross herself later clarified that the stages were never meant to be a rigid checklist. Still, the misapplication of the model persists, and it can leave grieving people feeling as though they are doing something wrong when their experience doesn't match the expected arc.
What Current Research Actually Shows
Contemporary grief research paints a more nuanced picture. One influential framework, the Dual Process Model developed by researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, proposes that bereaved individuals oscillate between two orientations: loss-oriented coping (confronting and processing the grief itself) and restoration-oriented coping (attending to everyday life demands and adjusting to a changed world). This back-and-forth is considered healthy and adaptive, not avoidant.
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is the price of commitment. For as surely as grief is the shadow of love, love is the light of grief.”
— Colin Murray Parkes, Psychiatrist and pioneering grief researcher, author of Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life
Other research has examined the idea of meaning-making — the process by which people gradually construct a sense of purpose or understanding from their loss. Studies suggest that the ability to find meaning, rather than moving through discrete emotional stages, is one of the strongest predictors of healthy adaptation over time.
It is also worth noting that many people demonstrate what researchers call resilience trajectories — they experience acute distress in the immediate aftermath of a loss but return to baseline functioning relatively quickly. This does not mean they loved the person less or are grieving incorrectly.
~10%
Adults estimated to experience Prolonged Grief Disorder
Research published in journals including World Psychiatry estimates roughly 10% of bereaved individuals develop Prolonged Grief Disorder requiring clinical attention.
2–7%
Bereaved who show minimal grief distress
Studies by grief researcher George Bonanno suggest a meaningful proportion of bereaved individuals demonstrate stable, resilient trajectories with limited prolonged distress.
Why Grief Looks So Different From Person to Person
A wide range of factors shapes how any individual experiences grief, including their relationship to the person or thing lost, their prior mental health history, available social support, cultural and religious background, and the nature of the loss itself — whether sudden or anticipated, traumatic or peaceful.
Cultural context is particularly important. Many Western frameworks emphasize emotional expression and a defined mourning period, but grief rituals and timelines vary enormously across cultures. What appears as prolonged grief in one context may be a normative communal practice in another. Mental health professionals are increasingly trained to approach grief with cultural humility.
Talk to a Professional Without Waiting for a Crisis
Many people assume therapy or counseling is only appropriate when grief becomes debilitating. In reality, grief-focused support can be valuable at any stage — including early in the process. A licensed therapist can help you develop coping strategies, process complicated emotions, and feel less alone in your experience.
Supporting Yourself and Others Through Loss
Understanding grief as non-linear has practical implications for how we support ourselves and the people around us. Well-meaning phrases like "you should be over this by now" or "at least you still have…" can inadvertently invalidate a grieving person's experience. Simply being present — acknowledging the loss without rushing toward resolution — is often the most meaningful form of support.
For those navigating grief personally, evidence-based approaches such as grief-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and support groups have demonstrated benefit in research settings. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and what helps one person may not resonate for another.
If you or someone you know is struggling, reaching out to a licensed mental health professional is a reasonable and worthwhile step at any point — not only when grief becomes overwhelming. The goal of support is not to eliminate grief, which is a natural human response, but to move through it in a way that allows for continued engagement with life.
This article is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or thoughts of self-harm, please contact a qualified mental health professional or a crisis helpline immediately.
